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Francine Caitlyn Chye
a.k.a. Hurricaine Fran
a.k.a. Fran the PCD
a.k.a. the happy bunny :D
<3
040889 (August baby!)
Crescent, ACJC, hocker
xoxo
If it's meant to be, it'll be(:
"And sometimes good things fall apart
so better things can fall together"
don't think, just run
Thursday, February 22, 2007
And i'll take you for who you are, if you take me for everything.
Sorry this post is pure ranting. I'll write something nice to read soon (: <3
BUT YOU DON'T. I'm sick of explaining, i'm tired of trying to make you understand. I've racked my brains time and time and time just trying to get you to see that difference does not necessarily equate negativity. Why can't we be difference? Why can't we just agree to disagree and to give and take a bit? WHY MUST YOUR WAY BE RIGHT? You say that's just who you are, but this is who i am. Why must my perspective be the wrong one? No, i don't see people for that moment, so what if i'm uncomfortable when you talk about others like that? SO WHAT? I told you i accept that, that's you and i don't mind. Do you have to say nasty things and threaten me like that? I know you're trying to hurt me and make me feel bad because you don't get it and because you are. Guess what? It works like a charm, every single time. I've tried accomodating, i've tried patiently explaining, wasting my time to spend it holding back tears of frustration or irrtation, plastering a plastic smile on my face for the sake of our conversation lasting 20mins not an hour and 20 minutes. Why are you do selfish like that? Yes, why can't you just let me be happy for that moment? That's what you want, isn't it? At the expense of others? You want others to give in so that you don't get hurt, is that what you want? is that what YOU want? Because that's exactly what it sounds like. YOU try so hard? You have no idea how hard it is for me. To feel constantly suffocated, to feel the need to censor, to think so seriously and hard before i can open my mouth, in fear of you getting hurt. YOU try so hard? YOU have no idea. No one is perfect. I'm not perfect. Maybe you are. But i'm not you. Stop trying to want me to be. Stop faulting me because i'm not. You have no idea how much it frustates and hurts ME. Yes maybe she's more like me. Maybe she's perfect. So she can have a bad day, take it out on me completely, hurtfully, and it's acceptable? So it's acceptable now that she feels the need to make other people miserable to alleviate her own hurts or stress from her busy day? She's not the only one with the busy day. YES it makes me not want to say anything, or be present, be here, be around. Why, so i can just be abused again and again and again? I'm so tired. So sick of it. SO, SO, SO TIRED.. YOU HAVE NO IDEA. My day isn't like yours. But YOU chose yours. You made the CHOICE. Just because you so often undoubtedly regret that choice, it doesn't make me the bad guy. Don't turn the tables on me just because you're disatisfied. I try hard, i've tried harder day after day because i recognize that it's not fair. And i'm not perfect, but i try. Be a little fair to me some days. I'm not perfect. I'm not you. Don't fault me on that, please. Because i can't take anymore, i'm this close, this close.
Some days, yes i feel inferior, i feel unsure. But on some of those days you don't exactly make it easier. I know you mean well, but so do i. On my own account, in my own way.
I'm sorry, i know on many days i'm more of a hinderance than a help. You don't say it but i know you mean it. I try to back off, i try not to care. But i can't help my thoughts, my actions and on days that i don't feel so good, my emotions. I know that i'm not helping. I know you're overwhelmed with work, with everything in between. I understand, i'm going through the same thing. Maybe my worries are different but essentially, everyone's experiences aren't that different. But i don't know. I don't understand why i always have time to flicker from thought to thought, letting my eyes trail for a while every so often, setting aside time and time because i want to. Maybe it's because i want to, maybe it's because i want to. I'm sorry if, even if i didn't want to recognize it, if i've been pushy, if i've expected more than you can give right now. I know it's not fair on your part because you're doing the best you can. I'm sorry, i really really am. But i'm praying, i'm praying for the strength from someone who i should have turned to before i became so reliant on something intanglible most times. I'm trying to give without expecting in return, without needing anything in return. I know you've been trying, and i'll love you for it. But i can't always be cheery when it aches inside. You know that, so i'm sorry for all the times that it's been uncontrollable and i've needed more than you could handle. I'm trying, still trying, i'll still be trying.
Lord, i'll try, i'm trying. Help me. I don't know what i'm doing anymore :(
ex-oh, ex-oh
2:04 AM
